I've been thinking a lot recently about the concept of identity, and the ways in which people construct themselves. After all, we all do it, from the clothes we wear to the words we speak and the manner in which we speak them! These thoughts have been brewing in Deep Thought for a while now, finally coming to a head on the way to Sainsburys this morning. I don't know why my brain works so well when in motion, but it just seems to be that way. Perhaps I should do my job in one of those chairs they use to test the potential ability of astronauts with. You know the ones, like they try to kill Bond with in Moonraker? It ceratinly might make the day go a bit quicker, whilst also being a potentially interesting experiment into relativity at the same time.
Anyways, my thoughts with respect to identity largely stemed from my percieved inability to connect with people, especially people of my own age. I don't know why, but when people seem to be having some form of crisis I'm usually stood there going "Oh for goodness sake, it's only (insert event here). Hardly the end of the world, is it?" Thus, whilst others seem able to offer supportive words or gestures, I feel awkward and unsure of what to do. There's a great moment that captures this well in the Hitchhikers movie when, as Ford and Arthur are about to be thrown out of the Vogon airlock, Ford turns to Arthur and asks "Would you like a hug?!" as though he's not really sure how humans work in situations such as this. What do I put this ineptitude down to? Well, I mainly put it down to my interests and the people I admire. It's always been observed that one of the best things about Tom Baker's performance as the Doctor was his ability to speak lines of grave or macabre importance with a huge grin on his face. As a result, this is something I've always found interesting: playing with the expectations people have and subverting 'norms'. As a result, more often than not, I do say things that are ultra-serious or profound with a huge grin on my face, to see how people take them. An action which is made all the more unnerving for those involved since I don't tend to smile that often.
Moreover, my 'alien' qualities are evident in other areas of my 'self' as well: for instance, I remind myself of my 'Cybermen' qualities when approaching people. I don't tend to show that much emotion about very often, as shown in the above example, but also in regard to such things as 'hugging'. Like Ford, I never seem to know the times when this is an exceptable action and so tend not to endulge in the action, thus reinforcing my 'Cyberself' since I tend to shy away from physical interactions with people. If you couple that with the fact that I'm hideously logical, boiling anything down to the most rational way to go about things, it's not suprising I admire the Cybermen so much. Additionally, I think I can be quite alien in the amount of acid I seem to have running through my veins. Surely it's not healthy for someone to have such a cynical, scathing opinion on everything? Especially at this age? It was often remarked that I could be unnecessarily harsh about people/events whilst at school, but aren't you meant to lose that?
Yet, despite all of my 'alien' qualities, there's still a part of me that yearns to be Simon Le Bon, singing songs about commiting ladies to celuloid whilst riding yachts and drinking silly-coloured cocktails. All of this whilst being exceptionally well dressed and surrounded by mysterious women. This is also the part of me that loves being hideously flamboyant and eccentric (much like The Doctor actually!), whilst revelling in the cheesiness of things and knowing that your being hideously cheesy at the same time. I also admire the fact that amidst all this cheesy decadance, Duran Duran manage to construct themselves as 'serious' musicians that spend ages fretting over chord changes and lyrics. Or do I admire Simon Le Bon for the simple fact that he manages to project the image that he's a hit with the ladies? Or perhaps, at the end of the day, I do just really like Duran Duran's music?
As a result, what does this say about my opinion of myself? A once human, probable New Romantic, Time Lord who has sacrificed his body parts and emotions for cybernetics and cold logic, and that has a strange hybrid of acidic blood which boils over occasionally? All of this whilst being smartly presented and a bit of a pretensious arse?
Alternatively, is this all in my own delusional head? Have I really got the wrong impression of myself, and the way I construct myself to others? Does the fact that I seem to spend so much time thinking about this make me hideously self-obssesed? Damn post-structuralism and autoethnography! They give me too much to think about, as I seem to apply these principles to everything and everyone, thus leading me to my big question: if we live in a world of discourses, where all is culturally constructed, how can we do anything that is genuine?
Days left at work: 70
Days until The Christmas Invasion: 5 months and 19 days (approx.)
Days until Jessica Alba in a catsuit: 17