So, over the last few weeks, in the haze of a rather unhealthy lifestyle, I feel as though certain changes have occurred in me that perhaps I was unaware of. What's more, they seem to have occurred for what I percieve to be the better. I've become more focused and finally seem to have found that spine that, on occassions in the past, I thought might have deserted me. This can only be a good thing, as it seems that finally I might have found that self-esteem that had perhaps deserted me for an elongated period. However, part of me feels as through all of this, I've been letting some people down and no longer fit into what they percieved me to be. This seems to leave me with a question: how do you manage to remain the person that you're pleased with whilst not letting other people down? Complex, answers on a postcard, please...
I suppose the reason for this questioning comes from the fact that not only do I think I've changed slightly, but that a lot of change seems to be occurring around me. This then leaves you with fear, fear that people close to you, and that you view as important, may no longer be there. How, then, do you let people really know what they mean to you? It's not a case of grand gestures, that's for sure, but the question of whether other people really know how much they mean to you still remains. For me, this was only accentuated over the last week with what, and yes I am probably being melodramatic, was a near death experience.
I accepted a challenge. One of those stupid things that blokes do as a percieved method of proving their masculine identity to each other. This challenge was to see whether each of us could eat a whole KFC Family Bucket. I (eventually) managed to complete such a challenge, but towards the end, all manner of nasty thoughts entered my mind. Firstly, there was the question of consumption. For someone who is disgusted by the excesses of consumption, and views excessive forms of consumption (in whatever manner) as vulgar, a certain amount of disgust with myself started to simmer down below. Following on from this mental complex over excessive consumption came a feeling of guilt of the physical effects of it. We live in a society and culture bound with fear about dying because of the food that we eat, and, for a while, I genuinely seemed to think that I might suffer something that would result in my erasure (slightly over-the-top perhaps, but it occurred nonetheless). So as I lay in bed after this vulgar display, the above thoughts about if I was to pass on were to happen, would those close to me know how much they rock? Perhaps, in the words of mid-90s band Gene, "It's time I told my friends I love them", then again, perhaps they already know that? Once again, it left me considering being postmodern. How can you ever be sure?
Oh, and just for note, in said challenge I came third. Seems that the predisposition to coming third remains.
The Bronze Medal's Five Songs of the Moment:
Elastica - Waking Up
Editors - Escape the Nest
Maximo Park - Girls Who Play Guitars
Geneva - If You Have to Go
The Long Blondes - Weekend Without Make-up